December 15, 2014
During the Christmas season I watch as people spend countless money on gifts and extras that aren't really needed but are nice to have. They make their "wishlist" out and hope someone "gives" them everything that they want under those beautiful Christmas trees. I love Christmas just like everyone else. I truly do. But I really see it as a "keeping up with the Jones" a lot now. During this year I have had to face a lot of realities. My job, my health and my marriage and my dreams. I was once at the top of my game and have recently been replaced by a possible younger me. That has been very difficult to deal with. Especially since I was bumped to another shift so my replacement could go to my 1st shift position. The reason being my health I think has had a lot to do with it. I have a blocked artery just below my heart. It's making me weaker and more tired every day. It's hard for me to keep up with the younger ones, even though I try very hard too. My doctor Dr. Steve H. Tyndall, MD at the Nebraska Heart Institute in Lincoln, Nebraska has told me that the surgery is vital to my health. As of yet, I have not had the surgery. The problem is the cost. Don't get me wrong, I do have insurance, but they will only cover 80% of the cost. The typical amount that most insurances cover. I certainly can't pay the 20% they are asking. Even with a payment plan. What's worse is even if I could have the surgery, the time off from work would cause me to lose my home and everything I have tried to work for all these years. My monthly bills would not get paid. I have nothing to "tide" me over. The reason for this is, I'm also going through a divorce. My husband abused me, an alcoholic and still harasses me. I used everything I had in savings to get a lawyer to help me. He still scares me. Every day, every night. We all know everyone has their "wishlist" for Christmas. Here is mine, but I know that in reality it will never happen. I have accepted the fact, that given my health I will either have heart failure and die alone, or lose my job because of my health and still lose everything I've worked for. And yes, still have to deal with a soon to be angry, alcoholic, vengeful ex-husband. But I've had to face,that yes, I am alone. There is no one to help me. No one to take me to doctors appointments, no one to pay my bills and certainly no one to be there to mourn me when I've passed. But given the time of year here is my "Wishlist": 1.)To get the surgery needed 2.)To be able to afford to pay the bills while I'm recuperating. 3.)A home to call my own, so I will know I will never be kicked out. 4.)My bank loan paid off for paying the lawyer and keeping a roof over my head, after my husband left me. Although it cost me to put my vehicle up as collateral. If I can't pay the loan, I will also lose my vehicle. These are my wishes for Christmas! As far as my dreams, well I've only got one. I would love for me and my sister who lives in Michigan to take a vacation to Ireland.We have not seen each other since 2003. I miss her and well her health isn't the greatest either, she has RH and a difficult time with that also. I know that God has his plan for me, and I have asked for forgiveness for all of my sins and failures. I try very diligently to pray to God to thank him each night for what he has given me and to ask him to allow me to wake up to another day, no matter how hard it is. And every morning I try to thank him again for allowing me to wake up and not be taken during the night. I am alone, I will continue to be alone, but I also know that God is there. I think he's keeping an eye on me, at least that is what I told my family doctor Dr. Nate Kotera at Saunders Medical Center in Wahoo, Nebraska. I think God chose him for me to see. He listens and hears what I say. Actually listens. He helps me with the cost of medication and to try to keep me pain free as much as possible. He is a blessing to me. I hope God remembers what a wonderful and caring person he is this Christmas. He will be in my prayers. So to all you readers out there, remember this Christmas season when your families are driving you crazy, and your running your butts off from one store to the next to get that perfect gift. Take some time to reflect upon what you do have. Love yourselves and each other. It's all you have in the end. Many blessings to all of you during this Christmas time!